Sir Alex Ferguson has a lot in common with Kim Jong-il

Sir Alex Ferguson might be the master of mind games but he's not the master of the media

The Manchester United boss has always had his way with the media: refusing to come out for obligatory post-match press conferences and turning his purple nose up at the BBC (paid for by the British public and with whom he is also contractually supposed to speak).

This week, though, he came across all Kim Jong-il as he tried to ban a journalist from attending a Uefa-held press conference after asking a straightforward question about Ryan Giggs – a man at the centre of a celebrity gossip storm involving some reality TV girl turned desperate strumpet.

Ferguson, a canny old bean, told the United press officer sat next to him that the club will have the reporter banned from a press conference to take place before Saturday's Champions League final. 

It's a good job that WWLTW doesn't go to see the wily old Scot in the flesh or he'd be shouting abuse from over the room as this column asks the hard-hitting questions like: "Sir Alex, what is your favourite colour?"; "Sir Alex, when Saved by the Bell was at its peak, were you an AC Slater or a Zack Morris fan"; "Sir Alex, did you prefer Cristiano Ronaldo before or after he had his teeth fixed?"; and, lest we forget the really big issue, "Sir Alex, who would win in a fight between a lion-sized duck and two duck-sized lions?"

Knowing the knight of the realm's belligerent ways, he'd probably still take umbrage with questions as timid as that.

So Fifa is corrupt - what's new?

WWLTW let out a snort of laughter this week when Sepp Blatter proudly claimed that he was offered a bribe when he was the world governing body's secretary-general and rejected it… but failed to do anything about the person who had passed him an envelope stuffed with cash.

"I couldn't refuse because he put it in my pocket," he explained, while checking his pockets to make sure nobody had slipped anything in them. "I came home here to Fifa and gave it to the finance director and he put this money on the account of the Swiss Bank Corporation at that time, and informed the guy, 'The money you gave to the secretary-general is in that bank,' and a few days later he reclaimed it. Then it was specifically known that please don't try to give money to somebody who's in Fifa."

Such incompetence and staggering arrogance (he seems to think he should be adored because he rejected the bribe, ignoring the fact that he could not have cared less about the man who thought nothing of trying to corrupt a Fifa official) comes as no surprise to those familiar with Mr. Blatter's witterings. 

This self-aggrandising buffoon has presided over world football for 13 embarrassing years, during which he has: suggested that female players "wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts" to attract more followers, repeatedly blocked or just downright refused to even discuss moves to trial goalline technology, and joked that gay fans should "refrain from any sexual activities" after Fifa selected – or, if the allegations hold up, were paid to choose – Qatar, a country where homosexuality is illegal, to host the 2022 World Cup. All the while he has faced accusations that he and his cronies have financially benefited from his stewardship. 

All round, he's a thoroughly likeable modern thinker to take world football's governing body into the 21st century. 

But Blatter is more than likely to cling onto his presidency as his only opposition, Mohamed Bin Hammam, could be booted out after he was accused of offering Caribbean football officials cash to finance development plans. But the man from Qatar has hit back in a dizzying counterclaim, and wants the loudmouthed Swiss to be brought in front of Fifa's committee too.

None of this means the power battle should be over. Instead, seeing as votes cannot be trusted within Fifa as it is about as transparent as a brick wall, the leadership contest should be decided by a no holds barred fight between the two contestants.

Fifa could even turn it into a world series and have the two men duke it out in every national stadium on the planet. WWLTW would pay top dollar – and it'd have to be top dollar, this is a Fifa-organised event after all – to see that. 

Imagine the amount of money they'd rake in from that, not to mention the amount of long-suffering football fans that would take satisfaction in seeing the two power hungry reprobates knock seven shades out of each other?

Michel Platini is a terrible man

The Uefa president has really got WWLTW riled this week. Not for staying quieter than a mouse breaking wind while allegations of bribery make Fifa even more of a mockery, but because he is the man responsible for moving the Champions League final to a Saturday night.

I don't know about you, but I'm mighty miffed at having to wait that extra bit longer for the last big game of the season. By rights the match should already have been played, but the Frenchman with his mad hair and his glazed expression just had to change things up, didn't he?

He explained his decision to move the game from its traditional midweek slot after Liverpool lost to AC Milan in 2007 as some sort of benevolent gesture: “I did not see many children or families in Athens because Wednesday is a school night. Moving it to Saturday should make it more of a family occasion."

Well if he's that altruistic and that keen to get children watching the final, he shouldn't have sanctioned the obscene ticket prices for the Wembley match. 

But more to the point, thanks for making us all have to wait for the biggest game of the year.

Robert Pires doesn't understand that being good 10 years ago doesn't mean you get to play now

The French winger is undoubtedly one of the finest players to have graced the Premier League, that is if you saw him play for Arsenal in his pomp rather than just his limp performances for Aston Villa, for whom he has been utterly abysmal. But the World Cup winner, whose current best 100m sprint record could be bettered by a snail catching a ride from a tortoise, still had the cheek to moan about not being given a run out by assistant boss Gary McAllister the other week.

While wailing his arms about in anger and pointing to a picture of himself holding up the Premier League trophy, he cried to reporters: "During the penultimate match, at the Emirates against Arsenal, we were winning 2-0 and I thought McAllister was going to put me on. It was at that moment I said to myself there was a lack of respect."

Lack of respect? The lack of respect, Robert, would be you thinking that your past achievements entitle you to waltz into the team despite being about as useful as a tin of dog food in a Michelin star restaurant's pantry. By Pires's logic, Kenny Dalglish would be starting ahead of Luis Suarez for Liverpool.

Steve Bruce is awful in the transfer market - and he's a giant hypocrite too

Not for selling Darren Bent for £18 million and not spending any of it in January, effectively ending his side's season, but because he's somehow allegedly got Sunderland caught for tapping up Demba Ba. 

Why on earth he'd have to resort to such underhanded methods to buy him when West Ham want him out is beyond WWLTW. The Senegal forward has been given a green light to look for a new club but Sunderland have effectively tried to break a man out of prison when he was due up for parole.

And this highlights the rank hypocrisy of Bruce, who only five months ago was shooting his mouth off complaining that Aston Villa had illegally approached Bent. This is also a man who told fans that they should be aiming for the European football when he was appointed as boss but then moaned about supporters having ideas above their station after a poor spell of form last year.

Mackems, you have this column's sympathies.

Joey Barton isn't getting a new contract but he won't be short of offers

The tenacious Newcastle midfielder, fond of training ground bust-ups and putting cigars out in people's faces, has this week been told that he will not be receiving a new deal at St James' Park. 

Not to worry, Joey, as WWLTW understands that Stoke City, the World Wrestling Federation, and the monster team from Space Jam are all interested in securing your fighting servicestalents when your contract runs out next year.